Best Place to Ugly Cry in Public
(MOOD Fabrics | 225 W 37th St 3rd Fl.)
Manic in Midtown? Fear your public breakdown will be “too much” even for Times Square? Flee to Manhattan’s most essential tear room, MOOD Fabrics! That’s right, this sartorial Mecca popularized by Tim Gunn on Project Runway, “Thank you MOOD!,” is also a rarified safe-space for fashion students to go and bawl their eyes out. So have a real sobfest… with snot and everything… and people will just assume you failed to find a single bolt of Donegal Tweed!
Best Place to Smoke with Doctors
(Jou Jou Cafe | 605 W. 168th St.)
New York’s hottest MDs and their med students can be regularly found enjoying smoke breaks just outside Jou Jou Cafe, which scenically overlooks New York Presbyterian Hospital’s ambulance entry. Don’t worry about wearing powder blue scrubs to fit in, but do make sure to bring a pack of low-tar Virginia Slims!
Best Place to Talk with A Mallard
(The Harlem Meer | North Central Park)
Rediscover joy and meaning in your life by communing with a duck near you! The very friendliest ducks in all of New York City can be found at The Harlem Meer, a tranquil 11 acres of water and lush vegetation at the northern-most reach of Central Park. (Note: it is a widespread misconception that all ducks “quack.” In fact, ducks communicate through a wide range of contact and display calls, both loud and quiet. Choose whatever call feel most natural to you!)
Best Place to Shamelessly Eat Cheesecake
(Juniors Cheesecake | | 1626 W 49th St)
Want a rush of feel-good chemicals, but lack the discipline and mental fortitude to manifest natural endorphins by means of a cardiovascular work-out? Well good news: a destructive quick-fix is just around the corner. Junior’s Cheesecake may be a commercial venture, but it is deliciously fabulous. And the real cherry on top is that none of your co-workers will spot you at Junior’s. The only regulars here are tourists, bridge n’ tunnel types, and American Presidents.
Best Place to Touch Plants
(The Flower District - 28th St. between 6th & 7th Ave.)
Miss being touched? Need to touch things… especially plants? Safely experiment with your botanical desires on a sensual trip through New York’s Flower District. As you walk through the aisles upon aisles of fragrant orchids, massive philodendrons, and budding bromeliads, you will quickly discover a little something for everyone. Just be sure to keep your wits about you when traveling alone; some of these green-houses can get a little shady.
Best Place to Get Your StarWars On
(In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...)
New York is extremely progressive when it comes to the rights of Star Wars fans. Lucas Arts kitsch and kink is celebrated and embraced in the city as part of everyday life. So put on your best Chewbacca costume, bust out your curved-hilt lightsaber, and legally take your Jedi lifestyle to the subway, preferably with John Williams’ score en tote on portable speakers. “May the Force Be with You!”
Best Place To Run Into A Douche From Your Hometown
(Murray Hill)
If there’s a Douche from your hometown temporarily residing in New York City, it would be best to avoid Murray Hill. Perhaps the most unfortunate neighborhood in all of New York’s five boroughs, Murray Hill looks and feels exactly like Anytown America, which is precisely its appeal to Grade-A Douches who are in need of a doorman building for the month. Weekly “game-nights” at college “dive bars” (with de facto Big Ten University affiliations) keep the Douche close to their midwest comforts and connections. Fortunately, Murray Hill is absolutely avoidable as there is absolutely no reason to go there.
Best Place to Really Almost Accidentally Kill Yourself
(MTA 34th Street-Hudson Yards Station)
Fall into the abyss of the MTA’s longest and steepest escalator at 34th Street-Hudson Yards Station. The city’s newest gleaming death trap only took eight years and $2.42 billion dollars build!
Best Place to Spot a Gay Porn Star
(The Magenta Triangle | btw The Standard Hotel, Parsons School of Design & Barracuda Bar)
Gay porn stars are truly everywhere these days, but if you want to catch a glimpse of a true professional in his habitat, the Gay Porn Star population coalesces and reaches critical mass within a geographic “Magenta Triangle” demarcated by The Stand Hotel, Parsons School of Design and Barracuda Bar. (Proper protection advised: Happy hunting!)
Best Place to Judge Yourself
(Pearl St & Dover St)
Wander aimlessly until you find yourself in No-Man’s Land at Pearl and Dover streets, overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge on-ramp. There you will see a “No Standing Anytime” sign, which apparently only applies to vehicles and not persons. To begin your self-critical practice, ironically stand yourself directly under said sign. Keep standing, and proceed to aggressively question how on earth you have arrived at Pearl and Dover streets, overlooking the Brookyln Bridge on-ramp.
Best Place to Be Mistaken for Someone Who is Known
(324 W 46th St | Bar Centrale)
Perched up off of Restaurant Row through an unmarked door, Bar Centrale is the “in the know” martini-hole for Broadway’s intelligentsia. And true to any exceptional bar in New York City it has a mandatory coat check. It doesn’t matter if you are Jude Law, Parker Posey or the Second Coming of Elaine Stritch: everyone checks their coat at Bar Centrale. And after being assessed by New York’s most scrupulous Maitre D’ --cash tips only, please-- your outerwear will most certainly exude a little more clout upon departure.
Best Place to Be Mistaken
for a Person Experiencing Homelessness
(and/or) a Julliard Student
(The David Rubenstein Atrium at Lincoln Center I 61 W. 62nd St)
With ample amenities like free wifi, electrical outlets and public bathrooms -not to mention some pretty posh interiors- this privately owned lobby is an ideal setting to “pass” for a person experiencing homelessness (and/or) a Julliard student.
Best Place to Recharge Your Phone
(Tompkins Finest Deli | 153 Avenue A)
Caught in Alphabet City without a “charge”? The dudes at this trustworthy Bodega are ready to rejuice your phone in 20 minutes time, for free. They will even invite you to crack open a Modelo Negro “40” (oz.) and treat yourself to some fine Bodega savories such as fried pigs ear, Haribot Gummy Sharks and… scones. Just be sure to throw the guys a generous tip once your device hits 50%. We want to keep this service alive for all.
Best Place to Experience an Epiphany
(New York DMV Office Harlem | 159 E 125th St.)
You are number “237” in a line of four hundred people, waiting to purchase a seventy-five dollar wallet-size piece of polycarbonate when suddenly… you have a vision of Cher entering the DMV. She is calm, immaculate, glowing… she’s Cher! And she’s in the DMV! She even brought supporting identification documents with her, and waits in line to have her photo taken just like everyone else. And with this vision of a civilian Cher, you suddenly enter a space of instant clarity and illumination: we are all one.
Best Place to Go On Multiple Dates with Multiple People
(The Empire Hotel | 44 W 63rd St)
First of all, don’t do this... it’s so tacky, and people will smell you out immediately, but if you must:
Cruise into the Empire Hotel lobby like you own the place. Set up shop for the day, by utilizing the plush couches on the balcony level to meet Date Number One.
From this birdseye view, if you wish to abandon Date Number One -why not, you’re just warming up!- covertly text Date Number Two to wait for you in the “downstairs bar.”
If you then wish to hookup with yet another party -nobody’s really “good enough” for you, right?- a quick escape to the hotel’s restaurant on the second-floor for a cocktail with Date Number Three is totally feasible.
If you still have not yet satiated your pathological need for attention, you can always arrange for your roommate to be “locked out of the apartment,” flee from Date Number Three, and then hit the Empire’s rooftop lounge, to enjoy a High Tea sunset with Date Number Four. Remember to leave the cocktail bill with Date Number Three!
Proceed then with Date Number Four, wrinse, dry, and repeat this destructive dating cycle until a veritable match delivers you a proper face slapping, which is precisely what you were out for in the first place: punishment.
Best Place to Get Arrested
(The sidewalk outside your apartment.)
If you’re aware a drug dealer lives in your building, and find yourself being regularly stalked by a stranger upon leaving your apartment… pause. The person following you is not a stranger! That person is a cop. Do not panic. Stand your ground, waive to the officer, and calmly state: “Officer I see you. I know nothing of the drug ring on the fourth floor.” If the officer begins to approach, do not run. If you run or begin to strangely prance in an excited manner, the officer may charge (or in most cases, the officer’s partner will reveal themselves and charge first.) Upon realizing that you have been tackled to the ground, do not resist further. Upon arriving at the precinct, request to phone a “trusted friend.” Only you will know that the single phone number you have committed to memory is your childhood home.
Best Place to Binge On An Entire Bag of Swedish Fish
(Duane Reade | 4 Columbus Cir)
An abnormally large selection of Swedish Fish, both the “mini” (1 1/8-inches long) and “regular” (two inches long) varietals, including original, orange,and lemon-lime flavorings are readily available at Duane Read’s Columbus Circle location. After limiting yourself to a one-package purchase, proceed to the self-check-out counter and avoid spotting yourself in the security camera footage (personalizing your face with your candy addiction will only serve to dampen the impending sugar high.) Exit the store, and proceed towards the climes of Columbus Circle, where you can safely indulge in pounding your face with as much gelatinous goodness as possible in under 2-minutes. Once you’ve finished, wipe any remnants of Red (Dye) #40 from your mouth, dispose of the candy wrapper, and assure yourself that your fish-binge was well deserved, that you are assuredly “better off” than the other “sad persons” surrounding you, who are tripping out on even darker substances such as vape pens and 1500 Calorie Chipotle Burritos. Find a safe space to hug yourself while whispering, “It’s alright, it’s alright. It will be alright, now.”
Best Place to Call Your Mother
(The “Walk-In” Phone Booths of West End Avenue at 66th, 90th, 100th and 101st streets)
There are only four remaining “Walk-In” phone booths in the city. And like the more modern charging “kiosks,” these booths make free outgoing calls to anywhere in the United States. The best part is that if you do have a weak moment and happen to call your mother, she can’t call you back, as the phones have been adapted to not ring or receive incoming calls!
Best Place to Scream Your Bloody Head Off
(The West Side Highway)
Lost your job, hooked on a new toxic relationship, or just feeling piqued? Take a walk on the West Side Highway and SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM your bloody head off! No worries, no one will hear you here, not even as you scream for your life.
Best Place to Slay Dollar Slice Pizza
(Unlisted)
So it’s 4am, you’ve just left the Boom-Boom Room, where the bottle service just kept coming, because your roommate’s highschool friend is best friends with Lance Bass’s husband. And now you’re a boozy pirate that needs to be at work -and sober- in 4 hours. Arrrg! But before you can even think about finding clean underwear, you must curb your carbohydrate cravings! The only problem is that Siri says any “late night food” near you is ten blocks away. And not only that, all the Ubers are surging. “CURSES!” --- There is however still one awesome option: Dollar Slice Pizza. A staple of late night binging, the very best Dollar Slice Pizza pops-up exactly when and where you need it, “Just follow your nose!” And let your inner craving compass to guide you to cheap-ass mozzarella.
Best Place to Leave a Line
(GROM | 185 Greenwich St)
GROM is just gelato people… get over it! Save yourself half an hour by settling for the equally yummy imitation gelato at your corner bodega. Sure it has corn syrup in it, but according to their official website, GROM’s gelato has something even more offensive in it: “philosophy,” an additive we simply cannot condone!
Best Place To Feed A Feral Cat
(116th St. at Manhattan Ave)
The cutest non-biting feral kitties in all of Harlem are found in this unassuming alleyway. Place Fancy Feast offerings at the base of the alley’s chain-link fence and wait for the little ones to appear. Don’t be surprised if they “meow” for more!
Best Place to Trigger Violent Ideation
(The Harvard Club)
Can’t resist poking your festering wound of class envy? Pining to see what an early-American institution asserting its cultural dominance really looks like firsthand? Don’t fall for it! There’s nothing to see behind the neo-Georgian brick walls New York’s Harvard Club except another shining example of The Cafeteria Class, that hum-drum strata of khaki persons who drolly drift through life between the cafeterias of one elite institution to another.
Perchance you do get invited to enter this rarified sanctum as part of a breakfast panel on “Mapping Climate Burn”? You will undoubtedly find yourself enduring a woman, your host, complaining about the precise manner in which her morning grapefruit should be sliced and segmented. She may even demand that the service person “rectify the fruit.”
Dear Reader, promise that even if your host offers you chocolate éclaires -and she will!- that you will stand up, throw down your Crimson napkin in a hizzy, and walk the hell out. Because if your host truly was interested in cooling down this planet, she’d petition to take the dead elephant’s head off the wall! (Yes, there is the head of an elephant -and quite a few other species- hung up to dry alongside a portrait of Teddy Roosevelt.)
Best Place to Fall In Love With New York All Over
(SouthWest Flight #1876 | Altitude: 18,000 ft)
Flying into Laguardia at dawn at 18,000 ft., you spot an amber city rising from an estuary, a tiny reflective sandbar. You realize that this metallic splendor is New York City, and that it’s just a little town really. “I can conquer this town!” you think. “Hello, New York! I’m here! It’s me!!!” And then you see the four people standing in the aisle, already plotting how to beat your ass off the plane.
Best Place to Host an Afternoon Assignation
(Warwick Hotel | 65 West 54th St)
Can’t be bothered to hop the train and host your hot hookup at home? “Get it on” from 10am-4pm at the Warwick Hotel for a mere $139 dollars. We challenge anyone to find anything in Manhattan that rents for $23.33/Hr, and is also three blocks from Central Park.
Best Place to Maintain Your Colorblocking
(Salvation Army Midtown West | WH, 535 W 46th St)
We do like to avoid Midtown at all costs. But whenever cost is a consideration... and you’ve worn through all your color-blocking items... there is a mint condition 1994 Ralph Lauren patch-work polo waiting just for you on a rack at The Salvation Army’s midtown-west location! (Yes, the Salvation Army has a history of homophobia. But to not purchase a pristine Ralph Lauren would be a loss to not only gay culture, but all of humanity.)
Best Place to Realize You Are Old
(School of Visual Arts | 209 E. 23rd St.)
They’re the first “digitally engaged” generation. They’re activists for truth. They believe in the efficiency of “dialogue” to improve corporate culture. And as it turns out, Generation Z is about as spatially aware as a herd of deer in VR goggles! They also happen to smoke menthols, have an affinity for woven Mexican poncho hoodies, and devour the Broadway showtunes of... wait for it… Alanis Morisette! Indeed, a quick survey of the retro-’90s student body at SVA confirms what Alanis already intuited, “Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you...”
Best Place to Re-Experience The 90’s
(Art Bar | 52 8th Ave)
Walk into the back-room of this cozy West Village hangout, select some Courtney Love on the jukebox, and order some quintessential Curly fries, before unwinding with other local artists who are also contemplating “the metaphysical.”
Best Place to Feel Superior to Europeans
(An Uptown A-Train to 125th St)
Trail a gaggle of Europeans aboard an Uptown “A”-train Express at 59th St. Columbus Circle, and observe the communal conniption that ensues as the train zips past 72nd St. and then also fails to stop at the Museum of Natural History at 81st St. “ZUT ALORS!” Once you’ve relished sufficiently in the group’s realization that the next stop is in fact 125th St, calmly assure the English-speaking group leader that, “It will be safe. Very safe! You will be safe.” And then walk away…
Best Place to Walk Around Like A Little Lost Lamb Without A Mother
(Up & Down Broadway)
Fancy wasting the day in a reverie of self-woe? A long walk along Broadway… all 13 Manhattan miles of it… may be just the pity-fix you’re looking for. And here are some curated mantras that you might want to try out on the way: “Nobody really loves me,” “It’s all over. I’ve failed,” and our all time favorite, “I’m old.”
Best Place to Know You’re A New Yorker
(NYC Health + Hospitals/Metropolitan ER | 506 Lenox Ave)
If you have the wherewithal to sustain an entire night in this ER waiting room… and not die… either from your immediate condition or the critical threats now surrounding you: Congratulations, you are officially a New Yorker!
Best Place to Not Buy Something
(Bowery Lighting District btwn Grand and Delancey)
Fantasize about a life where you have enough disposable income that lighting, and lighting fixtures, are a serious consideration. Each glowing storefront in Bowery’s Lighting District is an environmental art installation, with hundreds if not thousands of fixtures luminously floating in the rooms. Thankfully, even if you were tempted to buy something, all of these shops are wholesale only, thanks to Amazon.
Best Place to Flirt with A Cult
(Soka Gakkai International (SGI) Cultural Center | 7 E 15th St)
Lonely? Down on your luck and longing for communitas? Soka Gakkai International (SGI) is the perfect cult to join and then unjoin for the day! Indulge in the delusion of Magical Thinking for an afternoon by chanting for an hour -or two, or three, or five!- in a room full of welcoming Positivists. Just make sure to not commit any monies after your first chanting session. “Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō, Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō, Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō...” (Devotion to the Mystic Law of the Lotus Sutra).
Best Place to Experience Sticker Shock
(Zeytuna 59 Maiden Ln)*
Hold a twelve dollar head of lettuce in your hand at Zeytuna market. Feel the power of this lettuce. Consider that there are people who actually buy this lettuce daily. Put down the lettuce. Head to the exit. *NOTE: Zeytuna market is now PERMANENTLY CLOSED!
Best Place to Oogle Babies
(Any MTA subway)
The accepting loving eyes of an infant is coming to a subway platform near you! Experience the “awww.”
Best Place to Rationally Fear for One’s Safety
(Penn Station)
Penn Station is a Developing Nation warzone of cutthroat commuters, NYPD officers with oozies, and adorable spitting junkies. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the stimuli, seek commercial refuge in the underground KMart.
Best Place to Touch Something That Was Touched By Björk
(Coinsource Bitcoin ATM | 61 Delancy St)
Björk uses ATMs. Isn’t it magical? The Icelander also accidentally liters. So if you find yourself in an ATM with Bjork in Chinatown, wait for her to drop a precious receipt to the ground. And once home, safely deposit the holy-paper artifact in your Björk reliquary.
Best Place to Say “My favorite Restaurant Used to Be Here!”
(Restaurant Row & 9th Ave at 46 St.)
Properties in this area of Hells Kitchen are flipping more rapidly than Jared Kushner in a bed of federal subpoenas! What was once a vegetarian cornerstone, Zen Palate, is now a Panda Express... #WTF!?! Even joint investment ventures like Justin Timberlake’s Southern Hospitality have folded under rent pressures. Remarkably, Yum Yum Thai and sister restaurant Yum Yum Too are still holding down the old-school block!
Best Place to Check Your Privilege and Listen to the Full Life-Story a Systematically
Disenfranchised Individual
(14th St. & 9th Ave. | 4am | Daily)
If you have between five and forty-five minutes to spare, take a moment to stop, shut-up, and listen to someone else’s story! You just might learn something. And you may even make a friend.
Best Place to Unabashedly Lie Your Face Off
(The Upper East Side, below 96th St)
You find yourself on the Upper East Side at a droll party? Avoiding guest interaction in favor of contemplating priceless tchotchkes in the host’s bathroom? Try spicing things up by constructing an entirely new identity and parading your false self around the room! It’s not like you, or any of your friends, will ever be returning to the Upper East Side again. Just be sure to select something that is equally sexy as it is culturally impactful. For example, you’re the hot new landscape architect overseeing the Modernist facelift on The Ford Foundation Building. Be as conservatively creative as the host’s hors d'oeuvres allow.
Best Place to Overhear A Criminal Conversation
(The Irish Dive Bars of Hell’s Kitchen at Penn Station)
If you really want to eavesdrop on the genuine workings of a criminal enterprise -loan-sharking, extortion, gambling (and maybe even attempted murder if you’re lucky!)- eavesdropping at any one of the 20+ Irish pubs near Penn Station, will quickly transport you into the violent New York of yore, with all its organized crime and skull-cracking nostalgia.
Best Place to Trigger An Existential Crisis (The “G”-Train Platform)
“Nothing happens. Nobody comes, nobody goes. It's awful.” ― Samuel Beckett, En attendant Godot.
Best Place to Truly Never Know Where the F#ck You Are Going
(Port Authority Bus Terminal | 625 8th Ave)
The Port Authority Bus Terminal is a commuter labyrinth so confusing that it could only be a failed collaboration between Jim Hensen, George Lucas and David Bowie. The average New Yorker requires four years exposure to the complex to even realize that there are in fact two completely separate terminals divided by 41st St! And good luck buying a ticket. Between the private commuter lines and inter-city operators, you’ll be wishing you were back in Mumbai!
Best Place to Behold Michael Barbaro
(The New York Times Headquearters | 620 8th Ave)
After The Port Authority Bus Terminal has defeated you, and you’ve totally given up on escaping to New Jersey, you can still seize the day by spotting Michael Barbaro, celebrated host of The Daily podcast! Afterall, The New York Times building is just across the street, and not only that… Junior’s Cheescake recently took up shop in the northern-half of Port Authority. So, you can easily bust out your binos to catch a glimpse of The Bearded Barbaro over fork-loads of strawberry swirl. #heaven
Best Place to Partake in Collusion
(Chelsea Square Diner | 386 W. 23rd St.)
First of all, let’s define “collusion” because there seems to be some collusion confusion. If you mean to partake in a criminal conspiracy, we do not have a “Best Awkward Place” for that, because that type of collusion is illegal. Sorry! But if you mean to collaborate or consort with foreign enemies to win a national election, boy do we have a spot for you: Chelsea Square diner on 23rd!
To really collude in a grand sweeping manner (For example, having eighteen of your associates contact Russian nationals and WikiLeak about one hundred and forty times) you’ll need a lot of late night brainpower... and of course... Russians. And from our experience, Chelsea Square Diner, which is open 24/7 and boasts a wide assortment of flavored vodkas, is the prime institution for attracting the most colorful Russian night-owls in the city, eager to spike your Americano with some cheap Russian Standard.
Best Place to Impress Your High School Band Teacher
(Café Sabarsky | 1048 5th Ave)
You receive an anonymous text that reads, “I’m in New York to see Hamilton and would love to see you!” When the texter identifies themselves as your former crush and highschool band teacher, immediately suggest at rendez-vous at the Neue Galerie’s Café Sabarsky. Known for its Viennese pastries and savories, Sabarsky is the perfect location to impress your band teacher with your new-found appreciation of all things Austrian! And what could be more romantic than reminiscing over Roasted Bratwurst, Riesling, and of course... Shubert.
Best Place to Feed Cimex lectularius
(The Winter Garden Theatre | 1634 Broadway)
Cimex lectularius (the common bedbug) loves nothing more than a room full of sedentary warm bodies, plush upholstery, and of course... Broadway showtunes! And an abundance of these natural conditions makes The Winter Garden Theatre an ideal environment to sit and be snacked on by a royal line of bed bugs, whose lineage can be traced to a 1918 infestation that occurred during a production of Sinbad, with Al Jolson.
Best Place to Come into Possession of a Highly Classified Document
(T.J. Maxx, FiDi | 14 Wall Street)
While trying on a mega-markdown pair of jeans, you may just happen to encounter a manilla envelope. This envelope may contain yet a smaller white envelope --bursting at the seams-- with code-word protected corporate briefs. Therein may also be legal advice from the Swiss government, bank transfer instructions, and the coordinates to a private island in the Belize Barrier Reef. In this case, buy a swimsuit and pack your bags for Belize!
Best Place to Be Received by A Deity (The Metropolitan Museum of Art | 1000 5th Ave)
Her Divine Grace Anna Wintour is now holding public office hours at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. It is recommended for devotees to bring an offering to the goddess, either an issue of VOGUE or one of Wintour’s twenty-one distinct literary works, to be signed. Please be advised that receiving lines are usually several hundred people long.
Best Place to Shame Spatially Unaware Persons
(The Escalator at 59th St Columbus Circle)
“Stay to the right!” If you really want to shame some spatially unaware idiots, take the escalator leading to the Time Warner Center at 59th Street Columbus Circle. Once there, fat-headed tourists are sure to impede your path like lost lemmings at a County Fair of leppers. And when they do, start aggressively clapping your hands at their gaping pie-faces whilst shouting, “Spatial awareness! Spatial awareness!” You might even hand out self-fabricated citations from SACA (The Spatial Awareness Civilian Association).